start

it's interesting how the writings of my early youth can compare to the thoughts i think now.
these early writings are recorded on the internet-
a server, they are tangible but are not laying around on paper. but yet are still tangible in a way that they can be read and now 10 years later turned into something humorous and perhaps more real. when then, these dark lines and phrases and words were created from songs i had heard, books i had read, perhaps sylvia plath or the guy who wrote a million little pieces, utterly depressing things written by adults who had real pain.
but perhaps i was foreshadowing my future pain, and my dark little pre-teen insides were trying to relate the loneliness and strange feelings of depression to an adult idea of what pain was.
i would imagine myself having freedom, being able to go out onto the street at three in the morning and lay there if i wished, and now i can do so. the possibilities are endless, but bound still by different constraints. then it was a curfew, a parental watch and overseeing that kept me from doing as i wished. now i am parented by my own self. but there is still a youthful longing. this can be channeled now in the present day; this spirit, to harbor creativity. but now doing such a thing, to ponder angsty feelings seems so trivial. it is now more of a priority to bring fulfillment to my life, to get by, to fulfillment to my family and make them proud. but now upon thinking of my true priorities i am stumped. what really matters? i mean, on a day to day basis it is getting things done, getting through the day without much conflict, to obtain knowledge and to seek pleasure. but now everything seems trivial now that I think of it, it is making me sick. what is this feeling passing over me.

how is it that late at night when everything is quiet the world can seem dark as the night.
yet in the morning, things can seem much lighter and hopeful.
i am intrigued by people, by the secrets they keep, the thoughts people have that they believe are their own. i suppose when these are told it can be realized that we have the same thoughts, which is comforting. this relates to a greater theme of humanity. when were are brought together by our most personal thoughts we can feel closer than ever, most comfortable, and at our greatest potential. for when i am at my most comfortable and not bound by anxieties i can reveal what is truly there, and maybe inspire others to feel the same way.

we are not as disconnected from technology as we would like to be - there is no longer a binary of the 'real' world and the virtual as the two intersect. that world has become real, less permanent in some ways and more permanent in others.
the emotions that we feel when parting with this world are just as fleeting as the pleasure that is derived from it.
so when one deletes a history that is kept online, are they deleting a part of themselves.

of course, growing up in a time of technological communication has surely affected me in the present. my first relationship, began on a messaging application before he even spoke to me in school, helped eventually encourage an unhealthy body image that stayed with me for years. people did indeed bully on the internet.
the internet at that time seemed like a social playground, but at times i did feel like i used it more than my peers. people would speak online but not in person. boys would ask girls to pull up their tops and screenshot it, the beginnings of non-consensual saving and sharing of sexual images.
there were the filthy corners of the internet, where the lonely people went. it was the perfect blanket for teenage anxiety.